The Road So Far: 2

I have glasses! The last time I did a life update, I was about to go in for an eye appointment. They prescribed me glasses, and oh my goodness, I can see the world! I didn't realize trees had that much detail from this far away. I can see the TV when we watch it at night, and if they have subtitles, I can actually read them

And road signs! Holy crap, I know what they say! I know what roads I'm passing because the street signs are clearer!

I had to go back to see my doctor recently because my optic nerve in my right eye is "full". That's some cause of concern because it could be a sign of neurological problems. He asked me if I had any numbness or tingling in any of my limbs, or problems seeing, vision cutting out when I exercise (ha, what is exercise?), etc. There didn't seem to be a big enough change this past visit for him to be very concerned, but I do have another appointment in six months. So that has things like MS floating through my head; I know of two people who have MS who have the full optic nerve as well. I know I shouldn't worry, that obviously I haven't anything else that is concerning popping up as far as symptoms go, but I wouldn't be Anxious Ashton if I didn't worry unnecessarily.

Oh, and, hey, I ended up touring a massage therapy college in Salt Lake. I'm trying to find something to do career-wise that I would enjoy doing. Right now, I'm not really thinking that's massage therapy. When I do things like this, though, it stresses me out because sometimes I can't tell if I'm not feeling it because I really don't want that for myself, or if I'm just saying I don't want it so I don't have to try.

I'm more inclined to believe the first part, but there are people who believe the latter applies to me more.

I just want a career that...clicks? When I get up to go to work, I want at least a sense of happiness that I don't totally hate forty hours of my week, every week, every year, There isn't a dream job for everyone, but I at least want a...happy thought job. 

This year is supposed to be the year I make changes that are for my betterment. At the end of 2017, I want to just be so satisfied with the life I'm creating for myself that I can't believe it's taken me this long to get there.

We're only three, almost four, months in. I have time.

But I also have to get my butt moving! 

Conversations with Myself: Time to Break Up

Sometimes you realize that you deserve better; you should be treated better, you should allow yourself to have better, you are better than this.

When that happens, it's okay to break up with yourself.

Because sometimes the bad relationship is the one you have with you. You wake up one day, or maybe you've been waking up several days in a row, and you're not quite happy with you. Or you get ready for bed at night, and you evaluate yourself throughout the day, and you're unsatisfied. Disappointed. Hurt. Angry. Irritated. Discouraged.

I know people preach self-love. ABSOLUTELY love yourself! But that also includes loving yourself to the point that you know when you're being unfair to YOU.

It's okay to not like parts of you. It's okay to be upset that you've chosen to be a negative person. It's okay to dislike the fact you gossip at first signs of a juicy story. It's okay if you hate that you use bad language too often (not necessarily swearing), that you spent most the day whining, that you feel like you were a better person a few years ago, that you're angry too often, that you have no goals, that your life is passing you by and you're hardly making anything of it, that you're not as good of a friend as you'd like to be, etc. 

You can take a look at the negative parts (and I mean the parts that you can do something about, the parts that you can change for the better) and say, "You know? I don't like this. So... Bye!"

The difference between a self-breakup and breaking up with a significant other is that there's not really an option to find someone else outside yourself. You can't ditch this body and dive into another one. You can't change your identity at the drop of the hat. But the self-breakup involves recognizing that you deserve better and then going forth and creating better.

It requires being introspective and also being active in making a change. 

The self-breakup is hard. That part you want to never see again tends to pop back up. Nothing is clingier than a version of you that you've been with for so long, it's almost like putting on a pair of well-worn jeans. In the beginning, you probably won't even realize you've slipped back into the comfort of it unless you go back and review what just happened. 

Don't be discouraged. You've lived how many years, and you've never been the exact same during any of it. Changes happen all the time. So if you're consciously trying to make a change that you want, and you're working at it every day, you will be different. The only time you won't see a difference is if you give up and settle for the version of you that you don't want.

Love yourself. And recognize that some of the best treatment you'll have should come from you. Don't settle for less because you've convinced yourself you can never be better, that you deserve all the unhappiness that comes from whatever bad decisions you think you're making. You are the designer of your character. Outside of the physical parts, you are your own creator. You are the only thing you can control. How exciting. So...

Who will you create?

Okay, dear, it's time.

Time to quit letting fear overcome.

The worst thing isn't failure.

It is spending all your days on the bench

watching the game go on

without ever playing. 

It is dying

and the last words on your lips being,

"I wish I would have tried."