Blue

Monday (3/21/16), our sweet poodle, Blue, passed away suddenly. He was sick on Sunday, then gone between 4 and 5 in the morning. I found him under my bed.

Blue was a good boy. I will miss him spinning in circles and barking when the M*A*S*H theme played at night because he knew it was almost time for bed and he wanted his goodnight treat. He would keep spinning and barking while everyone was still up, whether he already got a treat (or two, or three). 

He was a cuddly dog. His favorite spot was either on my mom's lap or on the other recliner. Sometimes I'd try to sit there, but he'd sneak behind me and steal most the cushion. Sometimes I'd move so he could take up the whole recliner, and he'd look at me as if he was saying, "Finally."

We'd get in the occasional staring contest. Blue never blinked.

When he wasn't ready to be out and about on the mornings I didn't have to work but my mom had to be up before me, he'd come lay in bed. 

He was such a momma's boy, too. Wherever my mom went, he was sure to follow. We loved him. Until we meet again, Blue Bear. 

Sometimes I worry that I spend so much effort not saying things that the words are beginning to hide away deep inside where even I can't find them. I've never been one for conflict, for speaking up, and I'm very doubtful that what I have to say actually does any good. Now I'm struggling to even put words into fiction. What is happening?

Finally...Words

Last night I forced a little story out, and it felt good. I'm not cured from...whatever it is I'm suffering, but it was more than I've done in weeks.

Today, I finished reading Rainbow Rowell's Fangirl, which was amazing by the way, and it inspired me to get on and attempt to write more. Who knows what I might end up with tonight? I don't have a lot of time, but maybe something good will happen at my fingertips.

Though I'm envious of Rowell's abilities. Seriously, she had me with every page. I wish I could write nearly as good.

Thing

There’s this thing

in me.

It shifts and stretches,

and I can’t

breathe.

I fidget,

try to get comfortable,

but it’s growing,

and no position I sit in

relaxes me.

I feel like I can

reach my fist

into my chest

and feel something solid there.

Pull it out!

I get hot.

Everything’s too loud.

Shut up.

Just shut up!

This thing inside of me

twists with anger,

with irritation.

Everything bothers me,

from the hair pressing

against my neck

to the people I love

to my own loud thoughts.

The thing expands,

my ribs creaking as it pushes

from inside.

So heavy.

I’m at peace

when I sleep

because then I can ignore it.

Writer Friends

It is so incredibly awesome to have a group of friends who write. We have conversations throughout the week about what we're working on, the struggles, the excitement, and we offer advice, critiques, edits, etc.

My friend and fellow author, Jayna Ostler, just published her fourth novel, Seven Cities, through lulu.com and released it yesterday at a book signing. It was her first signing, and she acted like a pro. It's so wonderful for her! She sold copies, both of the new release and her three prior novels, and was able to promote herself to several people. She's very courageous about putting herself out there, and I hope that she is able to promote her work just as (if not more) successfully in the future.

Way to go, Jayna! Good luck!

Love

What is love? My first response is, "Baby, don't hurt me." Now that Haddaway is going to be stuck in my head the remainder of the evening, I think on this question more seriously. What is love?

No matter what kind of love we're talking about--from your family, from your lover, from your friend--there are qualities that are the same. There are words to go along with the idea of love. Kindness, selflessness, patience, empathy, forgiveness, understanding... When you love someone, you want to spend time with them, you value them, you listen to them, you put them first above other things that aren't as important, you put just as much effort into whatever kind of relationship you have as they do, you encourage them, you help them grow, you grow for them, too. You're there for them, you hurt when they hurt, you're happy when they're happy, and you'd do all you can to make them smile, to heal their wounds, to make them feel important.

I'm blessed with family and friends who love me. 

However, I've never been in love with a man, and I don't know how the romantic version of love really feels, But this is what I imagine...

That when I know I'm going to see him that day, I'm excited. When he messages me, I smile, happy to talk to him. When he holds me, I feel warm and safe, that I'm just as comfortable with him as I would be by myself. I'd rather be with him than by myself, actually, and that'll be a big deal for me. There will be laughter, easygoing conversation or conversation where we both have so much to say that it goes on for hours. but then there will be moments of quiet where we're relaxed and able to enjoy time together without filling it with chatter. When I see him pull up to my house, my heart will beat a little faster. When he kisses me, I'll lean in with just as much enthusiasm, and maybe--just maybe--the world will tilt beneath me for even the slightest moment. I picture love to be comfortable, exciting, peaceful, certain... A good thing, not something that causes me stress, not something that I feel I'm forcing myself into.

When we fight, we might turn from each other to cool off, but we'll never go without apologizing and reaching a solution. When I feel poorly, psychologically or otherwise, I'll feel I can talk to him and I'll want to, even. 

Good. It'll feel good. It won't be the answer to every problem I have, it won't cure me of the ailments I suffer through, but it will be one of many lights to my life. I'll be happy.

Love is good. Happy Valentine's Day. May you celebrate love--and don't stop after today. Make love our celebration all through the year and whatever days follow it. 

New Post on Wattpad

I entered a contest just for a shout out on Wattpad about a disaster date. I'm really proud of this one. Click the link to scope it out!