The Bird

There was a high pitched screech.

I woke from the middle of a dream and lay still. Was it in the dream that I'd heard that noise or did one of the cats bring something in again? I imagined a bat. What would I do if they brought in a live bat?

Silence. I was about to relax.

And then there came the thumping from under my bed, telling me that one of the cats for certain was under there, playing around with an innocent animal he didn't need to catch. It's not like we don't feed them regularly. 

Next thing I knew, I heard the wild flapping of wings and I quickly dove under my covers. Just in time, too, because something very solid landed on my leg and then promptly disappeared. I snatched my phone from off the nightstand and text my mom.

SOS there's a live bird in my room and I'm hiding under my covers. It landed on me.

I actually paused in sending it because it was six in the morning and we were all wanting to sleep in. But then I visualized trying to make my way to the exit in the dark, with Diego in my arms and me wearing nothing but a shirt and underwear, and asked myself what I would do if I stepped on the bird with my bare foot or if the bird collided with my face. 

Send.

The room was silent while I heard a conversation upstairs and then footsteps. My dad was coming to save me.

He turned my light on, and at first, the bird was nowhere in sight. But then it launched out of hiding and I pulled the covers back over my head. It collided with my smaller bookcase and my dad caught it. Thank goodness for my mom, who sleeps light, and my dad, who is willing to get me out of a jam. 

I love my cats when they're curled on my bed, sleeping with me, or when Simba (the likely culprit) wants me to pet him with my feet while I'm reading or watching TV. But when they bring in live animals (birds, mice, snakes), or kill them and shred them apart all over our house, I wonder why in the world I decided having cats sounded like a fine idea.

I'd just like a night's sleep not interrupted by the animals causing problems. 

Also, in the dark, I'm terrified of everything. I hope I never have to defend myself while I can't see. Won't end well. 

Knock-Knock. Who's there? The Negative Monster

Cheesiest title ever. Okay, I can't claim that, but for now, we'll pretend I took Gold in the Cheesiest Title Ever.

Today hasn't been great.

Actually there have been several bad days lately. I can basically hear all the "life's what you make it" believers chiding me for allowing the day to be bad. Hey, I'm also a believer that it's what you make it, but sometimes you just have a bad day, and you should be allowed to call it such.

I feel like I'm losing grip on my emotions. I'm negative, I'm angry, I'm exhausted, I'm low, low, low and it has nothing to do with Apple Bottom jeans or boots with the fur.

I'm so tired.

Thank goodness this isn't me all the time, but the past five-ish days have been a nightmare. Something comes and sucker punches me when I'm not looking. 

One tiny Bad Thing (or maybe not so tiny, depending on perspective) bites me and I'm poisoned for the rest of the day. I'm not the type that can easily shake the bad off. It follows me around all day.

So right now, I'm trying to pump myself up. I was sitting the bathroom trying to think of a mood booster. But the problem is when I feel this way, negative and exhausted, all that I usually do for enjoyment loses its appeal. I don't want to read. I don't want to write. Who ever thought I was talented at writing anyway? Me, an author? Don't make me laugh. That isn't me. I'm not good enough.

I almost felt like running tonight, but it's cold and this stupid cough I have won't go away.

I'm waving my white flag, universe. I surrender. Please call off the fighting and give me a break.

It's not that this battle is that horrible, compared to so many others who have it infinitely worse than I do, but it's hard to look at other people's suffering when I feel like I'm drowning myself. That's what the hardest about my situation. I'm the one holding me under the water. I just don't know how to shake myself off and stand up. 

Or maybe I do know, it's just easier to let go. 

The Road So Far: 2

I have glasses! The last time I did a life update, I was about to go in for an eye appointment. They prescribed me glasses, and oh my goodness, I can see the world! I didn't realize trees had that much detail from this far away. I can see the TV when we watch it at night, and if they have subtitles, I can actually read them

And road signs! Holy crap, I know what they say! I know what roads I'm passing because the street signs are clearer!

I had to go back to see my doctor recently because my optic nerve in my right eye is "full". That's some cause of concern because it could be a sign of neurological problems. He asked me if I had any numbness or tingling in any of my limbs, or problems seeing, vision cutting out when I exercise (ha, what is exercise?), etc. There didn't seem to be a big enough change this past visit for him to be very concerned, but I do have another appointment in six months. So that has things like MS floating through my head; I know of two people who have MS who have the full optic nerve as well. I know I shouldn't worry, that obviously I haven't anything else that is concerning popping up as far as symptoms go, but I wouldn't be Anxious Ashton if I didn't worry unnecessarily.

Oh, and, hey, I ended up touring a massage therapy college in Salt Lake. I'm trying to find something to do career-wise that I would enjoy doing. Right now, I'm not really thinking that's massage therapy. When I do things like this, though, it stresses me out because sometimes I can't tell if I'm not feeling it because I really don't want that for myself, or if I'm just saying I don't want it so I don't have to try.

I'm more inclined to believe the first part, but there are people who believe the latter applies to me more.

I just want a career that...clicks? When I get up to go to work, I want at least a sense of happiness that I don't totally hate forty hours of my week, every week, every year, There isn't a dream job for everyone, but I at least want a...happy thought job. 

This year is supposed to be the year I make changes that are for my betterment. At the end of 2017, I want to just be so satisfied with the life I'm creating for myself that I can't believe it's taken me this long to get there.

We're only three, almost four, months in. I have time.

But I also have to get my butt moving! 

Conversations with Myself: Time to Break Up

Sometimes you realize that you deserve better; you should be treated better, you should allow yourself to have better, you are better than this.

When that happens, it's okay to break up with yourself.

Because sometimes the bad relationship is the one you have with you. You wake up one day, or maybe you've been waking up several days in a row, and you're not quite happy with you. Or you get ready for bed at night, and you evaluate yourself throughout the day, and you're unsatisfied. Disappointed. Hurt. Angry. Irritated. Discouraged.

I know people preach self-love. ABSOLUTELY love yourself! But that also includes loving yourself to the point that you know when you're being unfair to YOU.

It's okay to not like parts of you. It's okay to be upset that you've chosen to be a negative person. It's okay to dislike the fact you gossip at first signs of a juicy story. It's okay if you hate that you use bad language too often (not necessarily swearing), that you spent most the day whining, that you feel like you were a better person a few years ago, that you're angry too often, that you have no goals, that your life is passing you by and you're hardly making anything of it, that you're not as good of a friend as you'd like to be, etc. 

You can take a look at the negative parts (and I mean the parts that you can do something about, the parts that you can change for the better) and say, "You know? I don't like this. So... Bye!"

The difference between a self-breakup and breaking up with a significant other is that there's not really an option to find someone else outside yourself. You can't ditch this body and dive into another one. You can't change your identity at the drop of the hat. But the self-breakup involves recognizing that you deserve better and then going forth and creating better.

It requires being introspective and also being active in making a change. 

The self-breakup is hard. That part you want to never see again tends to pop back up. Nothing is clingier than a version of you that you've been with for so long, it's almost like putting on a pair of well-worn jeans. In the beginning, you probably won't even realize you've slipped back into the comfort of it unless you go back and review what just happened. 

Don't be discouraged. You've lived how many years, and you've never been the exact same during any of it. Changes happen all the time. So if you're consciously trying to make a change that you want, and you're working at it every day, you will be different. The only time you won't see a difference is if you give up and settle for the version of you that you don't want.

Love yourself. And recognize that some of the best treatment you'll have should come from you. Don't settle for less because you've convinced yourself you can never be better, that you deserve all the unhappiness that comes from whatever bad decisions you think you're making. You are the designer of your character. Outside of the physical parts, you are your own creator. You are the only thing you can control. How exciting. So...

Who will you create?

Okay, dear, it's time.

Time to quit letting fear overcome.

The worst thing isn't failure.

It is spending all your days on the bench

watching the game go on

without ever playing. 

It is dying

and the last words on your lips being,

"I wish I would have tried."

Frustrations of a Writer

There are a lot of frustrations that come with being a writer. From outside distractions to forgetting basic words to having little time in the day to writer's block... I could go on and on.

But this post will be dedicated to the following frustration.

The year is 2017, and humans have been telling stories for a long time. I can't even venture a guess how many times I've had an idea for a story only to find an all-to-similar book or movie is already out. 

I've written (and am now rewriting) a book about heroes. It's turning out to be a headache.

For one, Marvel and DC apparently own a joint copyright on the word "superhero". I'm not a lawyer, I don't understand law, some things just go straight over my head. So maybe I could use it in my book, maybe not. I think it's just safer to write my way around it.

But they've had so many heroes over the years that it's difficult to even pick a name for a character with powers that hasn't already been used.

I had a character I called The Blue Blur, and a quick Google search the other day showed that Sonic the Hedgehog apparently is called The Blue Blur, and I can bet the creators of Sonic own that one, too. 

I don't want to be a copycat. I don't want to "take" what other people have done. I want to be somewhat original, and that's becoming very difficult. 

Oh well. Onward, writer, onward. You can figure it out.  

The Road So Far: 2017

I love Supernatural with all my heart. It's one of my very favorite TV series (others include M*A*S*H, Teen Wolf, The Flash, and recently A Series of Unfortunate Events but we've finished with season 1 and Netflix might not even be bringing it back until January 2018 *screams*). I love the phrase I chose for my title that comes with the review of Supernatural: The Road So Far. It means that though a lot has happened in the past, the road stretches on.

It's the twentieth of January today. Only twenty pages into the book 2017. Not a lot of changes have taken place. We've watched good shows, I've read a couple books, and I've been working on my goals for the year. 

Right now, it's snowing and my mom's getting ready because we both have an eye appointment. I've never gone to the eye doctor before (as a patient), and I'm actually pretty nervous. I think I need glasses, which isn't a bad thought, but I'm anxious for the examination. It'll be fine, but it's all part of the new experience.

I have a couple story ideas in my head now, and I've got new plans for the one closest to being ready for publication. I hope that it'll run smoothly.

Also, there was a competition (still open until the end of January)  I entered in. It's the Nelson Algren Literary Content through the Chicago Tribune and it was taking up to two short stories per writer. I submitted two, and I felt really good about it. Even if I don't win, at least I tried something new. I will have a much greater chance of success by trying than I would if I just sat around doing nothing.

I hope everyone's 2017 is remarkable. I hope I can make it a wonderful year myself.