As the days go by, I have felt a strange stress, and it's absolutely absurd but here it is: So many books, so little time.

I know, I know, but hear me out. Every night when I go to bed, I look over at my three shelves across from me and it is filled with the books I haven't read yet. Filled with those books I had to have, purchased, and haven't even cracked them open. They all look wonderful. And yet some of them I purchased years ago.

Right now I'm reading 'Salem's Lot by Stephen King. Though I haven't read many of King's works, the ones I have were pretty fascinating. I've read The Mist, The Shining, Firestarter, Carrie, and Misery. Of those, I think Misery has been my favorite. 

But there are so many, so very many, books that I want to tackle this year. I have several series in my possession, stand-alone novels, and there are paperbacks that my parents own that I wouldn't mind browsing through. That doesn't even include the items on my To-Read list on Goodreads that I can't wait to snag. 

I want to read them all. I want to write my own books (currently struggling with a crushing weight with this one, but I blab about it all the time, so I won't delve deeper into that topic). I want to learn to play music (I bought a guitar, and I have no idea why at this point). I want to get out and explore the world. I want to figure out the big question: Who do I want to be? 

But I feel as if I have no time. Or the time I finally have is wasted when I'm too much of lump to actually achieve anything.

I want to start reviewing books, really reviewing them. Maybe in the process of that, I'd learn more about what it takes to write really well. Maybe it will give me my drive back.

Sometimes I wonder if I just need to sit down and plan out every day of every week in the year. But that sounds like so much effort, and quite frankly, where's the fun of having your day totally planned? There's a little freedom in flying by the seat of your pants. I just need to actually learn how to successfully fly instead of crashing and burning.

Thirteen Reasons Why

"Here's your tape."

I've seen the jokes on Facebook, the memes floating around social media. There have been a couple articles that I've clicked on and read their response to the Netflix adaption of a popular novel Thirteen Reasons Why by Jay Asher. My opinion here is joining many voices; for better or for worse, this story has been in the spotlight.

I won't go into a large summary of what I saw. I just wanted to express some feelings that I had throughout.

The show is about a young man in high school named Clay who receives tapes voiced by Hannah Baker, a friend of his that recently committed suicide, explaining her reasons why she ended her life. There are thirteen tapes, thirteen reasons... And those reasons are thirteen people. The instructions are clear: listen to all the tapes, and then pass them on to the person that followed your tape. 

It's been so long that I read the book, but I remember finishing it and feeling disappointed because the book had come highly recommended by a few people, and I just wasn't impressed with it. The writing had been good, I liked the character Clay, but Hannah? Hannah is what made reading the novel hard. Here I had this character who hurt so much that she ended her life, and I didn't like her. I wanted to like her, I wanted to feel for her, but I did not like her.

But it's not only widely liked people that hurt so much that they seek a permanent solution. That part was real, if anything.

Beginning the show, I thought they captured the characters well, and they delved so much deeper with having thirteen episodes than Asher did in the book. Again, it's been quite a while.

There are three scenes that were really unsettling. They show two scenes of rape and the last episode does show Hannah's suicide (she slits her wrists in the tub). My mom fast-forwarded her suicide as it was too graphic for us to watch. I know they did this to show that suicide isn't beautiful, to destroy this romantic perspective of it. But there were parts of the story that didn't correlate with this.

Hannah, whether a good person or a bad person or a typical teenager who makes mistakes and is trying to figure life out, goes through several instances of bullying. People are cruel. But some of them are those teenagers who screw up. Some of her reasons are hard to take as reasons for doing something so extreme and permanent. Some of her reasons are pretty horrifying.

She sends tapes around blaming other people, and she threatens exposure if they do not all listen to the tapes and pass them on. A trusted source has a copy of the tapes and will release them to the public if necessary. Meanwhile, her parents are suing the school and are trying to find someone to blame, because there has to be someone to blame. Right?

In this story, suicide is power. Suicide is revenge. There are a couple instances where a character says "we killed Hannah Baker" or "I killed Hannah", and their lives are spiraling downward. And for someone who is bullied, someone who is hurt by others, that is a horrible lesson to learn. 

They do show how Hannah's death negatively impacts people who loved her. Her parents' grief is raw and horrible. Clay is falling apart, though a great part is due to him wondering what he could have possibly done to cause Hannah pain enough to kill herself. The school is trying to figure out what happened and how to respond to the lawsuit.

Suicide isn't a joke. But with some of the reasons that Hannah offered, and for her actions of sending out the tapes, on social media it seems to have taken a humorous appearance. Again, with the memes. "Here's your tape." You've done something mildly wrong? Someone sends a "here's your tape" and it's suddenly funny.

That shouldn't be the response to this at all. And yes, a victim who takes their own life shouldn't have to have a heartbreaking story for their death to matter.

But to have this be the voice of suicide, especially for teens, is a little concerning to me. 

It not only gives suicide power and places blame on everyone around the person, I found it very interesting in the scene where Hannah writes an anonymous letter to her teacher, expressing very negative feelings (not necessarily coming out and saying suicide), the teacher begins to talk about resources to use if one is feeling that way. The teacher is cut off by Hannah's narration, showing that not only is Hannah not paying attention, but also keeping the audience from hearing what the teacher had to say.

Unfortunately I felt like this show was more about the mystery, about what people had done to Hannah, than about mental health and how to find help. I felt like the message was supposed to be good: Be kind, be aware, help people who need it, etc. (though sometimes being kind, or loving someone, or doing everything you can for them does not guarantee that you can save them). 

But at the end of this show, I didn't feel hope or inspiration. I felt a heavy weight. I felt like fingers were pointing and nothing was right, even when some of the characters try to make it so. 

I won't say this show romanticized suicide. I just think that if they wanted to talk about suicide, if they wanted to show how negative and heartbreaking it is while also giving people an idea of how to do some good for those who are in need of it or where to go if you are in need of it, this was not the storyline to use.

The last tape is for the counselor that failed Hannah when she was giving someone a shot to save her life. Listening to how Hannah was talking to him was a struggle because something I did realize is that no one has talked to people about how to tell someone you're having serious problems. She keeps saying, "I guess." It felt like a real conversation. She tells him that she wants life to stop, and he wants her to elaborate on that, because it was a serious statement. "I didn't mean it like that, I guess," she says. That begs the question: do people know how to come forward and say that they're in trouble and desperately need help?

This show pointed out the warning signs of someone about to take their life. It showed the flaws of those around them who either drive them to that point or fail to notice the signs. But I didn't feel it offered any conclusions, any suggestions on making it better other than: pay attention and be nice. I wanted more from it than that. And I felt like it tried to achieve more, would scratch the surface even, but then the message would get dragged down by the mystery of what is on this person's tape? 

I've heard that it triggered people, that it brought nothing but bad feelings. I've heard that others enjoyed it and thought it helped them. Leave that to the individual.

Me, myself, and I... It was well-acted, well-cast, and I'm glad that I watched it for the perspective it gave me. But it's not one I'll ever watch again, like I'll never read the book again. 

The Bird

There was a high pitched screech.

I woke from the middle of a dream and lay still. Was it in the dream that I'd heard that noise or did one of the cats bring something in again? I imagined a bat. What would I do if they brought in a live bat?

Silence. I was about to relax.

And then there came the thumping from under my bed, telling me that one of the cats for certain was under there, playing around with an innocent animal he didn't need to catch. It's not like we don't feed them regularly. 

Next thing I knew, I heard the wild flapping of wings and I quickly dove under my covers. Just in time, too, because something very solid landed on my leg and then promptly disappeared. I snatched my phone from off the nightstand and text my mom.

SOS there's a live bird in my room and I'm hiding under my covers. It landed on me.

I actually paused in sending it because it was six in the morning and we were all wanting to sleep in. But then I visualized trying to make my way to the exit in the dark, with Diego in my arms and me wearing nothing but a shirt and underwear, and asked myself what I would do if I stepped on the bird with my bare foot or if the bird collided with my face. 

Send.

The room was silent while I heard a conversation upstairs and then footsteps. My dad was coming to save me.

He turned my light on, and at first, the bird was nowhere in sight. But then it launched out of hiding and I pulled the covers back over my head. It collided with my smaller bookcase and my dad caught it. Thank goodness for my mom, who sleeps light, and my dad, who is willing to get me out of a jam. 

I love my cats when they're curled on my bed, sleeping with me, or when Simba (the likely culprit) wants me to pet him with my feet while I'm reading or watching TV. But when they bring in live animals (birds, mice, snakes), or kill them and shred them apart all over our house, I wonder why in the world I decided having cats sounded like a fine idea.

I'd just like a night's sleep not interrupted by the animals causing problems. 

Also, in the dark, I'm terrified of everything. I hope I never have to defend myself while I can't see. Won't end well. 

Knock-Knock. Who's there? The Negative Monster

Cheesiest title ever. Okay, I can't claim that, but for now, we'll pretend I took Gold in the Cheesiest Title Ever.

Today hasn't been great.

Actually there have been several bad days lately. I can basically hear all the "life's what you make it" believers chiding me for allowing the day to be bad. Hey, I'm also a believer that it's what you make it, but sometimes you just have a bad day, and you should be allowed to call it such.

I feel like I'm losing grip on my emotions. I'm negative, I'm angry, I'm exhausted, I'm low, low, low and it has nothing to do with Apple Bottom jeans or boots with the fur.

I'm so tired.

Thank goodness this isn't me all the time, but the past five-ish days have been a nightmare. Something comes and sucker punches me when I'm not looking. 

One tiny Bad Thing (or maybe not so tiny, depending on perspective) bites me and I'm poisoned for the rest of the day. I'm not the type that can easily shake the bad off. It follows me around all day.

So right now, I'm trying to pump myself up. I was sitting the bathroom trying to think of a mood booster. But the problem is when I feel this way, negative and exhausted, all that I usually do for enjoyment loses its appeal. I don't want to read. I don't want to write. Who ever thought I was talented at writing anyway? Me, an author? Don't make me laugh. That isn't me. I'm not good enough.

I almost felt like running tonight, but it's cold and this stupid cough I have won't go away.

I'm waving my white flag, universe. I surrender. Please call off the fighting and give me a break.

It's not that this battle is that horrible, compared to so many others who have it infinitely worse than I do, but it's hard to look at other people's suffering when I feel like I'm drowning myself. That's what the hardest about my situation. I'm the one holding me under the water. I just don't know how to shake myself off and stand up. 

Or maybe I do know, it's just easier to let go. 

The Road So Far: 2

I have glasses! The last time I did a life update, I was about to go in for an eye appointment. They prescribed me glasses, and oh my goodness, I can see the world! I didn't realize trees had that much detail from this far away. I can see the TV when we watch it at night, and if they have subtitles, I can actually read them

And road signs! Holy crap, I know what they say! I know what roads I'm passing because the street signs are clearer!

I had to go back to see my doctor recently because my optic nerve in my right eye is "full". That's some cause of concern because it could be a sign of neurological problems. He asked me if I had any numbness or tingling in any of my limbs, or problems seeing, vision cutting out when I exercise (ha, what is exercise?), etc. There didn't seem to be a big enough change this past visit for him to be very concerned, but I do have another appointment in six months. So that has things like MS floating through my head; I know of two people who have MS who have the full optic nerve as well. I know I shouldn't worry, that obviously I haven't anything else that is concerning popping up as far as symptoms go, but I wouldn't be Anxious Ashton if I didn't worry unnecessarily.

Oh, and, hey, I ended up touring a massage therapy college in Salt Lake. I'm trying to find something to do career-wise that I would enjoy doing. Right now, I'm not really thinking that's massage therapy. When I do things like this, though, it stresses me out because sometimes I can't tell if I'm not feeling it because I really don't want that for myself, or if I'm just saying I don't want it so I don't have to try.

I'm more inclined to believe the first part, but there are people who believe the latter applies to me more.

I just want a career that...clicks? When I get up to go to work, I want at least a sense of happiness that I don't totally hate forty hours of my week, every week, every year, There isn't a dream job for everyone, but I at least want a...happy thought job. 

This year is supposed to be the year I make changes that are for my betterment. At the end of 2017, I want to just be so satisfied with the life I'm creating for myself that I can't believe it's taken me this long to get there.

We're only three, almost four, months in. I have time.

But I also have to get my butt moving! 

Conversations with Myself: Time to Break Up

Sometimes you realize that you deserve better; you should be treated better, you should allow yourself to have better, you are better than this.

When that happens, it's okay to break up with yourself.

Because sometimes the bad relationship is the one you have with you. You wake up one day, or maybe you've been waking up several days in a row, and you're not quite happy with you. Or you get ready for bed at night, and you evaluate yourself throughout the day, and you're unsatisfied. Disappointed. Hurt. Angry. Irritated. Discouraged.

I know people preach self-love. ABSOLUTELY love yourself! But that also includes loving yourself to the point that you know when you're being unfair to YOU.

It's okay to not like parts of you. It's okay to be upset that you've chosen to be a negative person. It's okay to dislike the fact you gossip at first signs of a juicy story. It's okay if you hate that you use bad language too often (not necessarily swearing), that you spent most the day whining, that you feel like you were a better person a few years ago, that you're angry too often, that you have no goals, that your life is passing you by and you're hardly making anything of it, that you're not as good of a friend as you'd like to be, etc. 

You can take a look at the negative parts (and I mean the parts that you can do something about, the parts that you can change for the better) and say, "You know? I don't like this. So... Bye!"

The difference between a self-breakup and breaking up with a significant other is that there's not really an option to find someone else outside yourself. You can't ditch this body and dive into another one. You can't change your identity at the drop of the hat. But the self-breakup involves recognizing that you deserve better and then going forth and creating better.

It requires being introspective and also being active in making a change. 

The self-breakup is hard. That part you want to never see again tends to pop back up. Nothing is clingier than a version of you that you've been with for so long, it's almost like putting on a pair of well-worn jeans. In the beginning, you probably won't even realize you've slipped back into the comfort of it unless you go back and review what just happened. 

Don't be discouraged. You've lived how many years, and you've never been the exact same during any of it. Changes happen all the time. So if you're consciously trying to make a change that you want, and you're working at it every day, you will be different. The only time you won't see a difference is if you give up and settle for the version of you that you don't want.

Love yourself. And recognize that some of the best treatment you'll have should come from you. Don't settle for less because you've convinced yourself you can never be better, that you deserve all the unhappiness that comes from whatever bad decisions you think you're making. You are the designer of your character. Outside of the physical parts, you are your own creator. You are the only thing you can control. How exciting. So...

Who will you create?

Okay, dear, it's time.

Time to quit letting fear overcome.

The worst thing isn't failure.

It is spending all your days on the bench

watching the game go on

without ever playing. 

It is dying

and the last words on your lips being,

"I wish I would have tried."

Frustrations of a Writer

There are a lot of frustrations that come with being a writer. From outside distractions to forgetting basic words to having little time in the day to writer's block... I could go on and on.

But this post will be dedicated to the following frustration.

The year is 2017, and humans have been telling stories for a long time. I can't even venture a guess how many times I've had an idea for a story only to find an all-to-similar book or movie is already out. 

I've written (and am now rewriting) a book about heroes. It's turning out to be a headache.

For one, Marvel and DC apparently own a joint copyright on the word "superhero". I'm not a lawyer, I don't understand law, some things just go straight over my head. So maybe I could use it in my book, maybe not. I think it's just safer to write my way around it.

But they've had so many heroes over the years that it's difficult to even pick a name for a character with powers that hasn't already been used.

I had a character I called The Blue Blur, and a quick Google search the other day showed that Sonic the Hedgehog apparently is called The Blue Blur, and I can bet the creators of Sonic own that one, too. 

I don't want to be a copycat. I don't want to "take" what other people have done. I want to be somewhat original, and that's becoming very difficult. 

Oh well. Onward, writer, onward. You can figure it out.  

The Road So Far: 2017

I love Supernatural with all my heart. It's one of my very favorite TV series (others include M*A*S*H, Teen Wolf, The Flash, and recently A Series of Unfortunate Events but we've finished with season 1 and Netflix might not even be bringing it back until January 2018 *screams*). I love the phrase I chose for my title that comes with the review of Supernatural: The Road So Far. It means that though a lot has happened in the past, the road stretches on.

It's the twentieth of January today. Only twenty pages into the book 2017. Not a lot of changes have taken place. We've watched good shows, I've read a couple books, and I've been working on my goals for the year. 

Right now, it's snowing and my mom's getting ready because we both have an eye appointment. I've never gone to the eye doctor before (as a patient), and I'm actually pretty nervous. I think I need glasses, which isn't a bad thought, but I'm anxious for the examination. It'll be fine, but it's all part of the new experience.

I have a couple story ideas in my head now, and I've got new plans for the one closest to being ready for publication. I hope that it'll run smoothly.

Also, there was a competition (still open until the end of January)  I entered in. It's the Nelson Algren Literary Content through the Chicago Tribune and it was taking up to two short stories per writer. I submitted two, and I felt really good about it. Even if I don't win, at least I tried something new. I will have a much greater chance of success by trying than I would if I just sat around doing nothing.

I hope everyone's 2017 is remarkable. I hope I can make it a wonderful year myself. 

Happy New Year's Eve

Another year has come and almost gone. For many, 2016 was nothing short of a disaster. We had a lot of deaths, tragedies, and the drama of this year's Presidential election has really taken a toll on us. But it hasn't all been bad.

There have been really good days spent with family and friends. I've read good books. Seen good movies. 

I didn't achieve some of my goals, which I'm not surprised about. Honestly, I forgot what they even were. The one that sticks out is reading 100 books. I only read 86. Close, but not quite. I'm going to attempt that one again for 2017.

There are other things I'd like to do. Adventures I'd like to go on, goals I'd like to meet. This time I'm going to type out a list, print it out, and hang it somewhere I can see it every day. I know there are people who don't understand New Year's Resolutions. Most people break them within the first few days. Most, like me, forget them. 

But here's the magic behind a new year. It's a whole year long. 365 days. The amount of opportunity in each day is incredible. We can make a change at any time we desire. 

New Year's Eve is the time to reflect on the past twelve months and decide what could make the next ones even better. Changes could be made, or new goals could be set and achieved. It's exciting to start a new chapter.

So Happy New Year's Eve. And may 2017 be everything you want, and may you have the courage and opportunities to make that happen.   

Merry Christmas

Have a Merry Christmas! 

Like every year, this day is passing too quickly. In fact, the whole month seems to have blown by. I can't believe we're already here.

I am grateful for the beautiful gifts I've received from loved ones. I'm even more grateful for the opportunity to give them presents that they love. It's very enjoyable to watch people opening something I've purchased for them, or sometimes made them, and see them smiling because I didn't do too bad of a job. 

I'm trying to keep the reason for the season in my mind and in my heart today. We celebrate the ultimate gift, our Savior, and his birth. 

This year, I'd like to be more like him and love without limits like he did. There are so many lessons to take from Christ, from his service to his patience and his heart. 

2017 has the potential to be as fantastic as I make it. I want to be a better person. I want to bring the sort of happiness into others' lives like a simple thoughtful gift does at Christmas. 

Be safe. Be joyous. Be loving. Be merry.

Happy holidays!

Christmas

I love Christmas. Some of the magic has faded over the years, the childlike wonder probably, but it's still my favorite holiday. The lights, the atmosphere, the decorations, the reason for the season, the music, the family parties, and yes, the presents. I won't lie, I love receiving presents. I love unwrapping something someone I love thought I'd like. I also love watching someone I love unwrapping a present I thought they'd like.

This year I wanted to try and resurrect some of the magic. I've bought a little tree and I'm planning on decorating my office at work. I'll also bring alone the little Nativity scene I have.

I want to spread some cheer. I want people who don't even know me to feel a little happier having talked to me. I'm so tired of my negativity, I want to change it, and December is the perfect month to make that change.

And I want to focus more on what this time of year means to me. It's my celebration of the birth of Christ. He was the greatest gift ever given, and he was given in love. 

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Gratitude

It's the day before Thanksgiving. A lot of people do challenges the entire month of November, where they post what they're grateful for once a day. I should have done something like that, spent more of this month with a thankful attitude for all that I have instead of focusing so much on and complaining about what I don't have. If I made a list of things I don't have in my life compared to what I do, one can definitely tell how fortunate I am.

The biggest "don't have" would probably be: I don't have a clue what I want out of life. That's something I need to figure out ASAP.

But here is a list of what I do:

My family

My friends

Awesome coworkers

A job

A place to live

Money to buy books

BOOKS!

My puppies and kitties

Parents who cook delicious food for me to eat

An education

A car

Music

Clothing to keep me warm

A bed

Clean water

Heating and air condition

Movies

Netflix

Writing

Religion

Freedom

That's only what I could think of on the top of my head. There are vaguer things, like the fact I usually laugh at least once a day, even on my worst days. 

This is a good life. There are things I wish I would change, but all in all, there's not much to complain about. Especially when I humble myself and realize that I have a life others would want if they could have it. I can always look both ways. I can find someone who has a life I view as better than mine, but there is someone who would love what I have. 

With tomorrow being Thanksgiving, I want to seriously contemplate on the blessings. This year hasn't been the best, but if we keep holding onto the beauty and the light around us, we can't lose hope. 

Happy Thanksgiving. May tomorrow be wonderful. 

Short Stories

I already know I need to totally rewrite this current novel. It's awful. But the one positive thing is that it's given me an opportunity to play with short stories. I've always been fascinated by an author's ability to tell a start-to-finish tale in the form of a short story. 

Louis L'Amour wrote many of them. I love his work, but I haven't read many of his collections. I'm more acquainted with his full length novels, but I really need to pick up more of his short stories. That and check out other people's work. If I'm going to start writing more short stories, I'll need to study them a little better.

Originally I pulled up this blog post to complain about writing myself into corners and feeling like a failure at my work and that there are so many brilliant writers out there, and I'm definitely not one of them. What good is that? I love it. I want to get better at it. If I pick something to study, to practice at, I'll improve. But if I just sulk in the kitchen, where I'm writing from the table, I'll never get anywhere. I'll quit.

I can't live with myself if I let that happen. 

Glass Half Empty And Getting Lower

I've never been a positive person. For as long as I can remember, I've had self-esteem issues. I don't believe in myself. I tell people I'm realistic, but reality to me is apparently pretty bleak. And you know what? I'm tired of it. It's exhausting to be that negative. Life is meant to be enjoyed, and that's nigh impossible when I block the sun out with my sad rain cloud.

Things are tough right now. Work is not what I want it to be. Dating is... Well, let's just say I've always sucked at dating. Maybe I'm not even ready for commitment.

And it's starting to get cold outside. I hate the cold. My favorite kind of cold is when I can stay in bed, or wrap up in a blanket and read, while the windows frost up and snow blankets the ground. 

What is my life supposed to be like? Whatever I want. What do I want? Nothing and everything. I wish I could be specific. I wish I could be brave enough to go after the things I think I want. I wish I had some clarity.

I need to be more positive. Even when surrounded by many negative circumstances, I have to choose to find the light. 

I'm so tired. But I can get better. I have to believe I can get better. 

How To Guide On Writing

So you want to be a writer. How? Allow me to tell you.

Drum roll, please.

You write.

Okay, I'm not the first person to say this. Nor will I be the last. But it seriously is that simple (and complicated). You sit down and you tap into whatever levels of determination you have. There will be days the words come so easily. There will be days you have to force yourself to sit there and continue your plot line.

There will be days that you wonder if you even like writing. There will be days you think you might hate it.

But at the end of the day, the thing that makes you a writer is the act of writing. That no matter what kind of day you're having, be it one where your fingers/pen/pencil are constantly on the move or one where you do more staring than actual working (full of second-guessing yourself and your potential), you just keep going. Ten words or thousands of them, you keep going. 

Right now, I'm having problems. I can't focus. Too much is going on around me. I've wondered if I need to start getting out of the house to write. Sometimes music just isn't enough to block out home life, or maybe I'm more interested in home life than my fictional one. And yeah, if Supernatural is being played on the TV, nothing's getting done. Why would I give myself a headache trying to force words out when I could stare at the Winchesters instead?

So step one, you write. Write always. 

But step two, forgive yourself. If you slip up, if you don't write a single word (I've had many of those days. Yesterday was one of them), forgive yourself. Just go at it again tomorrow. 

Step three, you have got to let go. First drafts are never pretty. They haven't gone through puberty yet. Actually they're not even born! They're stuck in the oven, baking, and nothing looks great when it's still cooking.

Believe in yourself. Believe in the worlds you have in your head. They're beautiful, and they're yours. Those characters are yours. That work is yours. OWN IT! Be proud of it!

You can be a writer. You are a writer! 

Now click off this blog post and write something. 

Behind On Words

I'm several thousand words behind for my novel during this NaNoWriMo. I'm starting to do that thing again where I compare my writing with some of my favorite authors and discourage myself. There's no way I can write as beautifully. My plots are dryer, not as smooth. My characters are one dimensional.

I'll never write something gripping, wonderful, and a fan favorite.

But I can't think like that, or I'll take the love right out of writing. 

It's hard, because I don't know what to do with myself when I feel this way. Plow through it mostly. Work's been very draining lately, making it hard to pump myself up when I get home. Maybe I'll just have to relax more, read more, daydream more. If I don't win this NaNo, that's okay. I still have words I didn't have before.

Election 2016

America voted and, well, let's just say that I'm not happy with the results. Although to be honest, if it turned out to be in the other candidate's favor, I wouldn't be happy then either. Still, that being said, there is definitely some scary things happening. I do not trust Trump. I do not like Trump. And I also hate the way the nation is dividing even more.

Hate is a fire that destroys everything it touches. People hating people, a man who leads with hate, it's all destruction. 

But love conquers all. If we as a people remember to love, to be kind, to have courage, to speak against evil, to rise against bullies, to put enemies in their place, then we can win. I pray that we can do that. I pray that we won't let the hate spread, changing targets and tearing us further apart.

This is not what Americans deserve. We deserved better. But we settled for slop. 

Remember this quote? A house divided cannot stand? Well, a house unified can stand anything. 

The world is dark. Become a light. 

Spread that light. Encourage other lights to shine.

Don't give up.

Don't bow down.

Don't allow bullies to stomp over you. Don't turn away if bullies attack the defenseless. 

We know what is right, no matter who our leader is. We know what is right, no matter what voices around us might chant and insist. We know what is right, and as long as we defend it, we will find comrades. We will find friends. We will find fellow human beings who share our values. 

I'm praying for America. I'm praying for the citizens. I'm praying for me, that I can always know what is good and right, that I can have courage, that I will stand firm against the tide as it comes. 

Stay safe, everyone. Stay hopeful. Stay brave. Stay lovely. And look out for each other. 

Happy Halloween/NaNoWriMo Eve

Happy Halloween! October is my favorite month, but this year, it just didn't feel the same. I have been very busy, and stressed out from work, but today was a pretty good day.

Yesterday, my friends Jayna and Jessica threw a Halloween party. I didn't know if I was going to go; Saturday I was sick at work and ended up in the doctor's office with my mom, and we both have sinus infections. But I felt good enough Sunday to join in on the fun for a little while. I dressed up like a hunter from one of my favorite TV shows, Supernatural. My dad made me an awesome stake to stab some vampires (actually I was asked a couple times if I was Buffy the Vampire Slayer, which is also cool with me).

Also, my dad made me feel good by telling me I rocked the look. I did really like wearing the boots I had on with my leather jacket. Made me feel like I could kick some butt! (Although I think anyone who is capable of really kicking butt probably never says it like that, especially not in a blog post.)

Today I wanted to be something different, so I chose to dress up like my biggest foe, the worst monster in the world. Monday.

Some people at work didn't get it, but that's okay. This is how I feel on the inside when I get up just after 5 AM every morning I crawl out of bed. I'm tired (that is makeup under my eyes), feel like I don't have anything put together (including my brain), and I'm lucky to grab my work clothes and matching shoes before I walk out the door. 

Okay, mainly I just really wanted to wear pajama bottoms to work. And it was glorious.

Now that I'm off work, I am going to start planning the novel I'm supposed to start writing tomorrow. Oh well. I'm a procrastinator. But like it's been said, the early bird might get the worm, but the worm who sleeps in late survives.

Or something.

Good luck to all those participating in NaNoWriMo. And to those out and about tonight for Halloween, be safe!

Writing Advice

There are times I enjoy reading advice from other writers. There are other times where the advice given isn't very helpful, or perhaps it's one of those things that I know what they're saying is true, but I have a hard time doing it. (Most will tell you that you must write every day, no matter what, or set a word goal to reach every single day. That's wonderful and important, I think, but I have lost track of how many days I've missed because I've been away from the house, or have company over, or after work I'm just too tired to put thoughts together. It's advice I'd love to follow, but as of yet, I've never done it.)

I've heard of other writers who have the opinion that writing isn't necessarily something you can teach a person to do well. You either have the talent, or you don't. I call bologna on that one. I mean, certainly there will be some that the words and the stories come easier for, but writing, like all arts, improves with instruction and practice and dedication. There have been many books I've read where I've loved them dearly, but then if I scroll long enough down the comments of websites like Amazon, or on apps like Goodreads, I always find at least one person who just doesn't understand why everyone loves the novel. Most people, even if they disagree that the book was worth the hype, are usually rather respectful, but then I'll see reviewers who just drag the book through the mud. They'll complain about the author's ability, they'll insult the characters and plot, they'll do a play-by-play of all the sentences they thought were garbage, etc.. But then there have been moments where I pick up a book I know several people have adored and raved about, and I become that reader who just doesn't understand. I've closed the cover and stared at it, wondering how in the world I was able to read word by word, line by line, and come away with an entirely different opinion than the 4 or 5 star raters on Goodreads. 

Let's not forget to mention that there have been novels I've picked up after a friend recommended them, and though my reading style usually is in line with my friend's, I didn't love the book the way he or she did. 

But that's okay! We're supposed to have similarities and differences. The world would be a boring place if everyone liked the exact same thing (or disliked it). 

I've once described writing like a painting hanging in a museum. As the painting is hung on the wall, and person after person stops to observe it, you will find all sorts of opinions. One person might declare the work a masterpiece, that it's like their heart and soul was painted all over the canvas. Another person might shrug and say they don't mind it. A third person might point out all that the artist should have done differently to improve the painting. Some might like the work as a whole, but there are parts here and there along the surface that were obviously mistakes. Others might say that the painting is ugly, that the person who created it is not a real artist, and that "people will just accept anything as 'art' nowadays." And on the rarer occasion, some might stand by and mock anyone who has the gall to like the painting. "You don't know what real art is."

In the end, the painting exists, there will be lovers and haters and in-betweeners, but there was also a creator, and that creator accomplished something. He or she finished something they were working on, and let the world see it. That's pretty impressive to me.

It's too hard to please the whole world. It's not going to happen! But what we do have is the power to create, and the decision to make on whether or not the world can see that creation.

And even if very few people like the work, at least be proud of it yourself. Because you made it! No one else did. That's yours! Your very own.

If you create something that you don't feel satisfied with, try again. Read advice. Attend a class. Practice more. Absorb as much as you can about the world you wish to be a part of. Keep going. Keep writing! Even if there are times it doesn't come easily, move forward. Push past blocks, do whatever you have to do to help you feel comfortable at your work again. Ask for help. 

I find that having a group of friends who write is very beneficial and fun. Put yourself out there. Talk to people, get feedback, and hey, when you need it, ask for a boost.

NaNoWriMo is nearly upon us. Brace yourselves.